How to Officially Ruin a Date with your Girlfriend


1. Blame each other for things that neither of you can control.

2. Make what you are doing more important than the time you are spending together.

3. Focus on the negatives of your relationshipWinking smile

4. Cry

5. Talk about past circumstances that were totally unavoidable, but that you can take very personally for no real reason!

6. Get very, very drunk.

7. Make sure you don’t apologize.

8. Blame the suck-fest of a date night on each other.

9. Talk about how awesome/strong you have been with all the compromises/challenges/difficulties/earth-shattering life changes you have made for him/the family/your parents/your friends/your life – and then take the initiative to suggest that what your partner has gone through is minuscule in comparison.

10. A Date is a great time to try to “fix” any problems in your relationship. If “fix” is a code word for “dwell over”.

11. Make sure you get other people involved. The more names, the better!

12. Be an inconsiderate asshole….hehehehe! LOLWinking smile

13. Don’t reassure each other. That would make ruining date so much less fun.

14. A Date is also a great time to suggest that you may not want to be in this relationship anymore, even if you don’t really mean it or believe it yourself (a date is the best kind of moment to be ambiguous about important things) .

15. If you want support with some issues you are dealing with in your relationship, don’t say “Honey, I really need some support with some issues I am dealing with in our relationship”, instead you should say something like “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore” or other things that are equally vague because he SHOULD know what you really mean.

16. Say to him “I just want to be alone now” and then be upset that he left.

17. Talk about exes (Kiss my ethnic ASS…Himanshu the douche).

18. Complain.

19. Don’t listen, just try to make sure they understand what YOU are trying to say.

20. Criticize other things about their life and their life choices that don’t have anything to do with the relationship issue at hand.

21. Talk about exes some more (Yeah just about you…you Mother F****r Himanshu).

22. Make sure they know that you think they are being childish.

23. Forget about anniversaries/birthdays/dates.Winking smile(PRETTY Awesome)

24. Be in a bad mood before the date even begins! Don’t waste any time trying to get there, come prepared.

25. Get really worked about the little things.

26. Keep making comments about how this “spending time”sucks.

27. Text from your phone/browse net preferably ESPN SoccerNet!

28. Sit in a sad silence for a very long time. Then sit in an angry silence for a very long time.

29. With hold “stuff”. Just cause you can.

30. Say “Hey maybe you should write a blog post on how to officially ruin a date with your girlfriend”?

31. If you want a fun trip to go on for date – try a guilt trip. The best! If you can’t go yourself, make sure you buy a one way ticket for your girlfriend. She’ll love that.Open-mouthed smile

32. When in doubt, always assume.

33. If things are not ideal, it is safe to assume that it will be this way forever, because things in life never change.

34. Start sentences with things like “You never…”, “You always…”, “You should..”.

35. Support other people more than you support your boyfriend/girlfriend…this one is too good!

36. Use the L word with extreme caution. No one wants to hear that shit now…seriously!!Open-mouthed smile

37. Don’t even for a second think that your partner might be doing the best they can.

38. Make your mood more important than their feelings.

39. Never make it totally clear that at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, you don’t want to leave, and you don’t want them to leave, and you love them and the only thing that is making you act this way is because you’re scared. If you make this fact clear – you probably won’t get as big a chance to ruin a date!


And why stop at just a date? If you want to go all out, you could easily keep these destructive patterns going on for the duration of your relationship. That way, you can make ruining a date an every day occurrence.

It’s kind of different to what I usually write, but take the humor with a grain of salt. It’s funny, but it’s happening, and when it’s happening, it isn’t funny.


Okai…enough of being shameless!

Hey, life is too short to be an asshole. Especially to the one you love.





What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens

Step 1: Don’t Panic.

Douglas Adams listed this first for a reason.  This is perhaps the most important step and it will certainly set the tone for the rest of your close encounter. The last thing you want to do is represent the entire human race by being a scared-to-death little idiot.

It is vitally important that you do not contort your face in terror and/or flee from the aliens no matter how horrifying they may be. They could be very sensitive about their nightmarish, be-tentacled appearance and consider your actions a grave insult or an act of war. They might also think that humanity is a bunch of wimps that are fit for nothing but extermination. You don’t want the results of that on your conscience…

… so grab whatever iota of composure you have and get ready to be Earth’s shining ambassador to the stars.

Step 2: Take stock of the situation.

You need to ask yourself some important questions. Where are we? What am I doing right now? How does this look to the aliens? Have I been probed yet? Why not? Is it because I’m ugly?Looking at all the written works on alien encounters, you’re most likely to make extraterrestrial contact when you’re alone in the middle of a cornfield at night. The aliens have likely chosen this location because of its seclusion. The same could be said for you, but we won’t go into what you’re doing in the middle of a cornfield at 3 a.m. you sad, lonely person.

The aliens are trying one of two things. They’re either cautiously examining Earth from a neutral/benevolent standpoint or they’re infiltrating it for future conquest. So put that sheep down (you’ve done enough to it already) and try to determine what type of alien you have in front of you. The appearance of the alien will tell you a lot about its motives.

If it looks like a little dude in a jumpsuit with a big head, then you’re probably OK.

If it looks like H. R. Gigercame up with it, you have a few seconds to live. Make them count.

So… right now we’ll assume that some alien isn’t ramming its ovipositor down your throat and laying its eggs in your chest. This takes us to our next step.

Step 3: Communicate.

In the historical documentary, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Mr. Spielberg shows us that aliens can solve inter-species communication issues with music. The scientists were able to “talk” to the aliens with an elaborate musical device that sounded similar to a rooster having sex with a frog in front of a megaphone. You can use music too. Now remember, you’re representing the entire human race so don’t skimp out on the quality. The aliens won’t really be impressed by your harmonica or your ability to belch the alphabet.

Instead pull out that iPhone and wow your guests with an enduring ballad of the ages.Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing is an acceptable song. If you do not have it, play Night Ranger’s Sister Christian instead. If you do not have either of these songs, contact me so I can send you alien appropriate music. Remember that radio waves can take quite a while to travel the cosmos, so it’s likely that our space friends are well into the power ballads of the 80s and have no idea who this Rihannaperson is.

It won’t be long before you and your interstellar guests become fast friends.

Step 4: Take Us to Your Leader.

Your friends will inevitably ask to see “your leader.” There are two ways to go about this. You could take the aliens to UN headquarters so they can watch all of our leaders bicker and argue over whether or not the aliens in front of them actually exist. This display will most likely lead to the extermination of the entire human race. Option two is to tell your alien friends, “I’m in charge. What do you guys want to talk about?”

If you play your cards right, you could be made Earth’s ambassador to their home planet and perhaps the entire Galactic Council.

If you screw this up though, you’ll anger a lot of aliens.  This will only open yourself up to lots and lots of probing.

In closing, I just wanted to say, “Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”


P.S. I’m a big Supernatural fan. I had to work that probing clip in somehow.

P.P.S. Probing is still not a laughing matter.



The Real Proverbs

1. Stitch in time saves you from wardrobe malfunction.Hot smile

2. All play and no work is Test Cricket. All work and no play is watching Test Cricket.Open-mouthed smile

3. A bird in hand is worth no bird in hand and definitely better then bird on a tree shitting on your hand.Party smile

4. Once bitten, twice bitten, thrice again bitten. SHOOT the dog.Vampire bat

5. Barking dogs are too busy barking.Laughing out loud

6. Beauty lies in the eyes of the judges.Winking smile

7. Birds of a feather flock together. May be just to avoid confusion.Rolling on the floor laughing

8. Charity begins at home but unfortunately others do not call it charity.Nyah-Nyah

9. Count your blessings. I mean if you have nothing else to do.Just kidding

10. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Thank God I am an atheist.Send a kiss

11. Every dog has his day but why the hell they keep barking all night?Angel

12. God helps those who help others.Nerd smile

13. Honesty is the best policy. At least until you have a girlfriend.Sarcastic smile

14. Live and let live. Anyway everyone is going to die.Smile with tongue out

15. The one and only cause of global warming. Money does not grow on trees.Be right back

16. Pen is mightier than the sword. So you fight with the pen I will take the sword.Disappointed smile

17. United we stand. But if we just keep standing sooner or later we fall.Flirt male

18. When the going gets tough just ask for directions.In love

19. Ignorance is bliss until reality slaps you right on your face.Smile

20. Early to bed and early to rise keeps a man healthy, wealthy and single.Secret telling smile




“Naughty joke ahead…you have been warned”


A daughter takes her 85 year old father shopping at a big mall. After buying whatever they had come for (and some other things) both father and daughter decide to go and have a cup of coffee. While they are sipping their coffee, a teenage kid settles down on an adjoining table. He has spikes of all colours in his hair (?)…red, blue, green, orange, purple, pink…

The old man is totally fascinated by the kid and keeps staring at him. The kid at first just ignores this, but every time he would look in the direction of the old man, he would find an unblinking scrutinizing stare … After a few minutes, the kid couldn’t bear it any longer, and snaps at the old man… “Whats the matter old man?! You never did anything wild in your life?!”

Without missing a beat, prompt came the reply “When I was younger i screwed a peacock…I was wondering if you were my son!”Open-mouthed smile

Try Again!!

A 21 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a test kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’ The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,

‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll provide support.’

‘If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two supermarket stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, whatdo you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, ‘Then you try again.’Open-mouthed smile